the Unicorn Puppet
I must say, guilders, your so-called "pantheon" of gaming gods is sadly lacking. After all, you only have one measly little badger god who is revoltingly adorable and full of peace and goodness and softness and all sorts of other deplorable things. I understand that Steve has some history with your Guild, having emerged from a long-ago campaign and clawed his way to the position of guild mascot/deity through sheer fuzziness. In the ensuing years, through the comfort of familiarity, you have been content to worship a small furry woodland plushy.
But now, guilders, you have a choice. You need no longer content yourselves with a dubious stuffed toy bought off eBay, limiting yourselves to mere goodness. You now have an option for evilness, and that option is me, Sherman the Unicorn Puppet. I became attracted to the Guild during your trip to the Renaissance Festival and decided to follow you home, sensing your repressed desire for an evil deity. An evil unicorn, you ask? How can such blasphemy exist? Though the stereotype of unicorns paints us all as goody-goody nature-loving creatures who sparkle and emit rainbows and have a weakness for virgins, allow me to assure you of my purity. My pure evilness, that is. We seem to have developed in the human imagination as a zany zoological misunderstanding inspired by rhinoceroses and narwhales and a wide variety of other violent creatures, and then we got shanghaied by the likes of Christianity and Lisa Frank, which wimpified us and made as far less fierce than we truly are. And doubt not my utter fierceness. My sharp and pointy horn is for stabbing things. My coat may sparkle, but that, my friends, is the sheen of shiny, shiny evilness.
Forget that loser Steve the Badger. Join Team Sherman. I'm not going to offer you something lame like cookies if you join the dark side. You're on your own if you want cookies. I'm a carnivore. I like meat slathered in a variety of condiments-elf ears dipped in ketchup, a nice hairy dwarf smothered in mayonnaise, Cthulhu tentacles sprinkled with wasabi. Cookies are for the sugar-and-spice types, and if you want cookies, you can go back to Steve. I'm all for pure, sparkly evil covered in tasty barbeque sauce.
And if you're one of those undecided types who dither ambivalently between good and evil and just can't make up your mind, well, you neutral pansies can go worship a packet of ketchup. See if I care.